Non-Student, Non-Person?

I'm a late-20-something with a fulltime job. I'm not in graduate school, don't play in a band and try not to party like I did in undergrad during the week. Any advice on where to meet that someone special in a town that seems dominated by undergraduates?

Grown Up

Given the number of 20- and 30-year-olds there are in Athens, it can be really difficult to find a social scene if you’re not part of the university. If you want to meet someone to date, I suggest a two-pronged approach. First, you need to build the life you want even though you haven’t yet found the person you’re hoping will be part of it. This means figuring out what your interests are outside of work and finding a group of people who share them. Think political involvement, rock climbing, reading, cycling, juggling, running, film, painting, etc. If you build a life around the things you’re interested in, you’ll meet and attract like-minded people. In short, you’re looking to become the type of person you would like to date.

Second, you need to be outside of your house. This can be hard to do sometimes, especially if you haven’t found a comfortable place to go yet. For this part of the plan, you need to cast a really wide net. Accept every social invitation that doesn’t conflict with your morals. Attend as many events as you can manage. Once you’re out there, approach people and make yourself approachable. Your goal is to meet people and talk just a little bit. That way, the next time you see them, you’ll have someone you’re comfortable talking to. What you’re doing here is recreating, on a smaller and more deliberate scale, the repeated, effortless run-ins you had with people in college.

So that’s what the plan looks like in the abstract. Now you need to apply it to Athens. For exploring what you’re interested in and finding events to attend, here’s a starter list: Take classes at Canopy, a gym or Good Dirt; join a book club; run with Athens Road Runners; work on a political campaign; attend Athens YPN; join or form a kickball team; sign up to volunteer at Twilight or AthFest; attend Dancing with the Athens Stars or Harvest for the Homeless…

One final note: If you are a man trying to meet a woman, yoga and fitness classes are an almost completely overlooked opportunity. Attend any yoga class. There will be at most three men there, including you. You will be noticed.

Lost in Possibilities

I graduated this summer with a BFA in Art Education. However, I'm still trying to find my passion, and I'm lost. I'll be 26 this year, and I feel young and old at the same time. Life is so short; I want to take advantage of the time I have to start something extraordinarily fulfilling. 

I changed my major a few times in college because I'm so indecisive. Instead of getting a job within my field, I'm teaching English in another country. I could easily travel the world teaching English, but I still feel the need to do something more creative and sustainable, something that's mine and meaningful. I love so many simple things in life, but living life won't pay the bills. Fashion makes my blood boil, but I don't see how I could fit in to the competitive, fast-paced lifestyle or afford to live somewhere like NYC on an unpaid internship. I have student loans to pay! 

My mind feels like a knotted mess, and I'm wondering if I'll ever find what it takes to make my dream (whatever it may be) come true. I don't think I'm lazy, and I'm confident enough, I'm just having a hard time focusing on the opportunity. Thanks for your advice.

Free-floating

Yes, your mind certainly sounds like a knotted mess. I’m going to bullet-point this to help you focus, FF:

• You have too many choices right now. There’s a cultural myth that more choices are better, but research says that we actually prefer a smaller, limited number of options. You need to whittle down your options from infinitely many to a manageable number.

• You don’t know what your dream is. A lot of people face that problem. There are two misconceptions surrounding The Dream. First, it’s false that there is exactly one thing that you must do in order to be happy and fulfilled. You could find happiness, joy and creativity in a lot of arenas and from a lot of sources. The second misconception claims that it is possible to discern Your Dream through speculation and trying different things for six months at a time. Your dream will take shape only if you choose a starting point in an area that interests you, then carefully and consistently reflect on what does and doesn’t make you happy in that situation.

Thus far in your life, it sounds like you’ve only changed direction by bumping into things. It’s time to explore in a focused and deliberate way. Here’s what I want you to do:

• Do a personal annual review. It will take a few days, but you need to start it today. In this process, you reflect on what has and hasn’t gone well in the past year of your life. You look at specific facets of your life—yours might include creativity, job search and finances. You think carefully about what you want your life to look like one year from now, set specific goals and then list in detail the next steps toward accomplishing those goals. You can find more details online. Give this exercise its due, but don’t agonize over it. It is a starting point and does not have to be perfect.

• Make a commitment to yourself to spend at least two years doing whatever you decide to do. No jumping around every six months. If you’re unhappy with what you’re doing, use that as an opportunity to identify what you don’t want. Negative information is helpful, too.

• Do not take on any more debt. Do you hear me? No more student debt, no credit card debt, no car payment, no borrowing $10 from a friend for lunch. Debt will narrow your options to a pinhole and destroy your freedom to explore.

• There are two books I want you to look at. For the purposes of figuring out what you want from your job, a more experienced free spirit and ideal-life seeker than me recommends What Color is Your Parachute?  You referenced your student debt, and you seem to recognize that money can limit your choices or give you the freedom to explore what you want to do. You want it to do the latter. Get The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous, and Broke. Finish both books.

Here’s your takeaway: Start something—anything—and see it through. Be reflective and intentional about what you choose to do, but don’t become paralyzed. You are only making a two-year commitment at a time—unless you take on debt, in which case you will find yourself locked in for much longer. And remember, finding your dream while building your life is a process, not a step.

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