I used to be extremely sexual, racking up plenty of partners during and after college. That's chilled out a lot in my 30s, especially in the last five years, but I'm having a really hard time with sex right now, one that I never expected to have. Basically: I have no sex drive! I can barely muster up the energy to watch porn, much less touch myself or have sex with my long-term partner.

I worry that he (we're hetero; I'm a woman) may have triggered this. When we first started dating, we were crazy about each other, having sex almost everyday and sending the nastiest (awesome) text messages and emails to each other when we were apart. In the last three years, our sex life has basically fizzled out. When we do rarely have sex, it's usually only one partner who finishes.

This sexual dysfunction started when we made a big move that was extremely stressful. During that time, we barely had sex—maybe once a month for about five months, and always at my insistence—and I was assured that it was “just a phase” caused by stress. Years have passed since then, but our sex life is still lacking; his desire doesn't seem to have increased, and mine has basically dropped to nothing.

I've considered asking to just have a platonic, asexual relationship with him. I've wondered if my current lack of sex drive is based in resentment for being sexually starved in our relationship in the past. I also have considered basically forcing myself to masturbate on a schedule (like three times a week), to attempt to rekindle my sex drive. Am I beating a dead horse here? Should I just get my junk removed? Do I need counseling?! I really miss my sexually vivacious self. That girl was so much fun.

Forget the porn and the whack-it schedule. I think this is more mental than physical. You and your man have been together for five years now, and I can see that, sexually, y'all had a great start. You mention it was stress that initially fizzled out your sex drive, and you also say you might resent your partner for starting out so strong in bed but failing to deliver nowadays.

I think you should start with calming down your life a good bit. Is there still stressful stuff going on? Alleviate your outside stressors as much as you can. This will open up more mental and emotional space for just feeling sexy. I think your anxiety about having a low sex drive might be throwing you off, too—I can't count how many orgasms I've “missed” (women, you know what I mean) just because I was so concerned about having one.

I think it's more about warmth and mutual respect, as opposed to just sex. Sort out any stressful stuff that's bugging you in your life, forgive your boo for being a horndog in the past, and turn on a hot movie. Instead of porn, try watching a movie that is both erotic and passionate (think The Pillow Book more than The Devil in Miss Jones). Reflect on those first two years of your sex life together, and remember what it was about your partner that drove you crazy. If that doesn't work, a counselor or sex surrogate might actually be a good idea.

I'm pregnant. I'm keeping it. But I've got three potential fathers. I am in pieces. What do I do?
Baby Mama

Let each one of them know that you are pregnant and that he is possibly the father, but do not let him know who the other guys are. Guys are jerks, and you do not want them to get together and crap-talk you. An OB/GYN can do a time chart for you and pin down a window of dates where you might have conceived your baby. If that doesn't help, you'll have to do DNA testing after the baby is born. You can get home test kits from most national drug stores like Walgreens and Rite Aid (you can also buy them online). Finally, get birth control and use condoms if you are going to have that many casual partners. It is a bad idea to be fluid-bonded with more than one partner if everyone is not monogamous. The next step could be HIV. Protect yourself.

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