I have a serious question. One that I probably should have the guts to ask my doctor, but sadly, I do not. I've been wondering if hearty masturbation could count as exercise. Obviously, vigorous sex is great exercise, but I'm wondering if a long, heavy jerkoff session can burn calories. I usually stay at it for 30–90 minutes, and most of the time my heart is pounding and I’m breathing hard and frequently tensing certain muscle groups. It can get somewhat exhausting on a good day. Of course, I am just lying on my back and not really moving all that much for the most part, but I can't help but think that getting my heart rate up like that for that long must somehow burn some calories. What do you think?

Hot and Still Too Heavy

The basic concept of cardio is that we must raise our heart rates for at least 30 minutes in order to burn more calories. If you're going at it for almost triple that amount of time while keeping your heart rate high, then I'd say you're definitely “working out” in some capacity.

The devil is in the details, however. How high is your heart rate? It needs to be at least 50 percent of your max heart rate to count as moderate physical exercise, and 70 percent to count as intense exercise. You're definitely engaging muscle groups during your solo sessions, but I guess the question really is, “How valuable is this exercise? Are these the muscle groups that I want to tone and develop?” One impressive forearm doesn't count for much, hon.

So, yes, I'd say that you're doing some legitimate cardio during a 90-minute beat-off session, but it remains to be seen as to whether or not that counts as exercise that is beneficial to your health. I imagine you'd need to jerk off like that several times a day—and every single day—for it to supplant the cardiac benefits of a good run, not to mention that you don't work the same muscle groups. Never stop loving yourself (ahem), but hit the gym, as well.

I'm feeling really frustrated with this guy that I'm kind of dating right now. I say "kind of" because we are currently “taking a break.” He lives an hour or so away and is in a band that's doing really well right now, which is exciting for him, but in terms of our relationship, it means that he's constantly on tour or working. Add to that the fact that we live in separate towns, and it just started to become a hassle to even meet up. He'd constantly cancel our plans, and once when he was on tour, he didn't even call me or respond to my texts for a week. Initially, we talked about breaking up, but somehow the conversation changed to “taking a break.”

I honestly don't know if this guy is worth my time. When we can manage to be in the same town, things are fantastic, and we have a great time, but once he's busy with his band or job, I can't get in touch with him, and he surely doesn't seem concerned about keeping up with me.

He sure doesn't, but don't count him out just yet. I definitely think that he is into you, because musician types get plenty of attention in towns like ours, and he could have just hooked up with you once and never spoken to you again. But he didn't, and even though he sounds absentee as hell, he's still around and trying to be in your life. He wants to be with you, but I'm not sure that he's able to do so with so much on his plate. I honestly think you'd both be better suited by dating people who are local to you, but that's not so simple once feelings get involved.

The relationship might be more trouble than it's worth in the end. What if y'all decide to stay apart after the break? Or what if y'all stay together, but then it blows up in your faces anyway? You don't sound extremely enamored, and you're talking more about the logistics of the relationship than the actual feelings involved. If you can see a dope future with this guy, then wait for him. If not, move on.

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