Dear Bonita,

My sweet, handsome, excellent boyfriend and I don't live together right now, but we spend lots of time at each other's places—I’ll go to his house and hang out until he gets off work, stuff like that. I was over there the other day to get something, and his laptop was open. Usually he locks it, but the screen was on and a folder was open. I couldn't help myself, and I saw something I can't ignore.

I did a little snooping and found his porn collection. No big deal—we all have one, right? But some of the stuff in there was too off-color for me to forget about. Nothing illegal, just very, VERY extreme, and definitely not my taste. He's never showed interest in any of those things during our sexy times, so I'm honestly blown away to find that kind of “adult entertainment” in his possession. I don't wanna say exactly what it was for fear of being found out, but believe me when I say it's nothing you'd find on RedTube or any “normal” adult site.

I can't stop thinking about it, and I'm lucky he's out of town right now, because otherwise I'd definitely ask him what the hell he likes about that stuff. Plus, now I'm scared that he'll eventually wanna try something crazy in bed with me.

How should I address this with him? I'm totally shocked and grossed out.

Sincerely,

A Lady in the Streets AND the Sheets

Hey Lady,

I think it's a bad idea to confront him about this situation for a couple of reasons. First off, it's not like he left his copy of Bumpaddle on the coffee table or anything. You went into his personal computer and purposely sought out stuff you know he doesn't want you to see. I think he'd immediately want to know why you invaded his privacy, and he'd be right to be more concerned about that than with your opinion on his, ahem, taste in film.

Relationships are about trust, and you have to trust someone a lot to let them have the run of your home while you're not there. Snooping is a blatant violation of that, and sleeping with a person doesn't give you the right to go rooting around his private spaces. Mind your own business, Lady.

Secondly, don't confront him if you intend to ask “what the hell he likes about that stuff.” You can have questions about his interests and want to know what draws him to them, but language like that can be alienating and hurtful. I'm guessing you found something along the lines of bodily functions or adult baby fetishism, seeing as how it's legal but you're horrified. Sex acts like that are uncommon, yes, but perfectly fine for consenting adults to enjoy, and I worry about you shaming this guy just for liking something you don't. People with strange and rare fetishes get a bad rap amongst the lights-off/missionary crowd, and your boyfriend probably knows that—which is why he's never shown you his porn collection.

You can ask him about this interest when he decides to bring it up. If you confront him, the conversation will be about your nosy ass, not his fetish. Honestly, I don't think he owes you an explanation for any of his interests, sexual ones included (unless they're illegal, of course). We all have things that titillate us, and most people with a weird fetish don't ever manage to find someone who wants to share in that. Your guy hasn't, so he's watching videos and enjoying it safely and privately. No big deal.

What's bothering you is that he’s into something you'd never go near, and you're gonna have to learn to accept that people won't always share your interests. Don't be so quick to respond with disgust. Above all, do not go snooping around your lover’s home. Show him the same respect you expect from him.

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