Happy New Year, and it’s OK if you’re not feeling “The New Year” just yet. The word is that pretty much everyone had a rough year, and that kind of heaviness isn’t just gonna slough off because the date changed.

What’s important are our intentions—the values and goals that we carry with us every day. Resolutions are cute, but intention is what I believe can carry us through to the life changes we seek. It’s OK if you didn’t get that New Year’s Day run in, or if you already cheated on your veganism, or if you snuck a cigarette last night. Keep your intentions close to you, and remember that you’re just as human as the next person. Be nice to yourself this year, and every year.

Now, for the first question of 2019!

Bonita,

Do you think someone can have such sexual prowess that they scare people off after the first encounter? I am a female who enjoys making men climax multiple times, and the men never seem to complain—if they can speak in sentences at all afterwards—but I have been asked why I am so vigorous.

In my sexual liberation as of late, I do try to let myself be free—even if it means I don’t fully reach the peak myself—but I do let them know that I’m especially turned on, and that I can’t keep up with my own pace forever, and it will slow down at some point (only if they’ve asked or brought it up more than twice).

But there never seems to be a second encounter, even when it was definitely established as just a hookup, and even when the dude genuinely seems to want to meet up again. I blew their mind in the sack, it seems, so am I crazy to think they’d want another go at it later? Could it be that I might be scaring them all off?

Something of a Succubus

Hi Succubus,

It is awesome that you have this much confidence in yourself and your sexual prowess, but it could very well be working against you.

You actually sound like myself in my 20s. Like you, I was having mind-blowing encounters with people who never wanted to hook up again, and I just chalked it up to Kegels and good old know-how. Then, I ended up in bed with someone who clearly thought the same of himself, but actually, he just moved too fast, used too much strength and didn’t listen to me while we were intimate. We weren’t even done by the time I decided I’d never speak to him again. Lines were crossed, and I wasn’t invested enough to try to talk to him about it. He confused being aggressive with being good in bed, and so did I, though I wasn’t even noticing that behavior from myself.

I’m not saying you’re overly aggressive or blurring the lines of consent. I just ask you to go over these encounters in your mind as objectively as possible, and with your partners in mind. You don’t want to lose the forest for the trees, especially where another person is involved. Think of how your partners behave during the act, not after. (I’m pretty sure I told that guy that we’d get together again, too.) Think of when and where you use your physical strength during intimacy, and whether you are doing that with the informed consent of your partner.

You describe men asking about your prowess and your responses being akin to, “I can’t keep up with myself,” which implies a lack of control that I would not recommend in the bedroom. Sex of any sort should always come with clear guidelines—especially in casual encounters. Your partners could very well be having a blast, but in the same way that the Great American Scream Machine is a blast: super fun but super scary, so why go to Six Flags more than once a year? I started getting way more second dates once I started talking and asking permission and not losing myself in the moment, but instead staying present with my partner for the benefit of us both.

Need advice? Email [email protected], use the anonymous form, or find Bonita on Twitter: @flagpolebonita.