Bonita,

There's a guy at my job who hangs out in the break room all morning, requesting extra food from everyone who enters the room. He does it in a funny way, saying stuff like, "What you got in there? I know you got something for me today!" or, "What we eatin'?" 

Lately, he's come into my shared office and asked the entire room if anyone has snacks. Typically, someone will hand him a bag of microwave popcorn or a protein bar. One day, I fell for it and gave him a ridiculous low-carb thingy that I got at Aldi. He took one bite and went, "Damn, this thing’s good—you got another one?" I told him that I had extra, but only for me to eat, but I told him where I bought them and where to find them in the store. 

Ever since then, he's asked me for one EVERY TIME HE'S SEEN ME. He will even yell down a hallway about it. I'm being food stalked! I can't stand this dude! Why did I ever give him a stupid snack bar when he could go to the vending machines down the hall? I'm tired of avoiding him and want to tell him to F off. It doesn't help that he obviously doesn't eat enough—he brings salads for work every day—and sleeps on the job. 

Ugh! Help?!

There are lots of reasons why he might be coming to work hungry, but his hunger isn’t your problem. Say your hellos and be polite, but start plainly ignoring him when he comes in and asks the entire office to feed him. When he yells down the hallway to beg a candy bar off of you (what an ass!), just keep walking. If he walks up and asks you personally, say exactly what you said when he asked for a second candy bar: You bring food to work for yourself, not him. 

This sounds more annoying than anything, but I encourage you to draw a clear boundary around this. This is a huge slippery slope as far as overbearing, overreaching co-workers are concerned. 

Bonita,

I’d like to get your advice on a matter that has been bugging me. I was married for about 32 years, had a child with my former husband but divorced after an unfortunate set of circumstances. I ignored my partner’s narcissism for years, then realized after the divorce that I attracted narcissistic people. I have no desire for that kind of person in my life ever again. 

I’m in my 60s, and thought that by now the men would have grown up, but have found the opportunities here are dismal. I’ve tried online dating, and don’t like it. I’ve dated, but the guys are narcissistic or dirt-poor or sick or say really immature things about nearly every subject under the sun. Am I just coming to grips with the fact that there are not many people willing to be in a relationship with a strong, self-sufficient, financially set, intelligent woman? I have no desire to be another person’s financial fallback, nor their mother. 

What gives, and where can I find a good, honorable man? Right now, I’m feeling pretty good about not having a partner at all, but it has taken a while to get here. 

First off, you don’t attract narcissists. His personality flaws are not your fault. But single clearly looks good on you, and you know it, and I don’t think you should fight it. Most people couple up or get married with an intention to start a family, own a home and all that junk, but you’ve been down that road already. If I were you, I’d just be taking vacations and getting laid. You said it—half of these men ain’t shit, but you can date and have a solid companion in your life without taking on each other’s debt or raising their grandkids. 

I don’t think you’re looking for that, anyway. You should keep enjoying your independence while also leaving space in your life for an awesome boyfriend. Look at these men less like future husbands and more like a good time, and stay focused on having some awesome golden years. 

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