ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER (R) The historically playful Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter gets most things right until it whiffs on a tremendously silly climax that involves the 16th president personally overseeing a secret mission to save the Union Army at Gettysburg. Unfortunately, Seth Grahame-Smith, the author of the book upon which AL:VH is based, is proving far less resourceful as a screenwriter than as a historical revisionist (see Dark Shadows). A quick perusal of the book’s plot reveals a much more believable retelling of the Lincoln mythology; the movie not so much. Requiring fewer leaps of stylistic logic than director Timur Bekmambetov’s last movie, Wanted, the Russian helmer of Nightwatch/Daywatch still throws in a smattering of ridiculously unrealistic fight choreography. Little-known Benjamin Walker, who resembles a young Liam Neeson, acquits himself adequately as Lincoln. No other performance—all villainous vamps and useless sidekicks—matters. Had Grahame-Smith stuck more closely to his novel, AL:VH might have worked better. The key to historical revisionism is to hew as closely to the truth as possible. Then again, some whimsies—say, a stovepipe-hatted president fighting vampires on a train—might be better off left on the page as they look far too ridiculous in the cinematic light.

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (PG-13) How will a new Spider-Man do in a summer where it faces a massive new Batman and the new king of the superhero box office, The Avengers? (500) Days of Summer director Marc Webb was a shocking choice to lead this reboot; let’s hope it’s a risk that pays off. Andrew Garfield (The Social Network) should make a fine Peter Parker. Rhys Ifans isn’t a bad choice to play Spidey’s new villain, the heretofore unseen Lizard. This superhero movie is longtime Harry Potter scripter Steve Kloves’ first non-Potter film since 2000’s Wonder Boys. With Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy.

THE AVENGERS (PG-13) The various Avengers—Robert Downey, Jr.’s Iron Man, Chris Evans’ Captain America, Chris Hemsworth’s Thor, another new Hulk (this time Mark Ruffalo gets to unleash the beast) and the rest—have assembled, and together they are a blast. But before they can battle Thor’s mischievous brother, Loki (Tom Hiddleston), who is intent on enslaving the world with his other-dimensional army, Earth’s mightiest heroes have to sort out a few things among themselves. Joss Whedon and Zak Penn capture the bickering essence of a super-group. Every single one of these heroes benefits from Whedon’s trademark snappy banter and his way with ensembles. These characters thrive by not having to carry the movie on their own (the Hulk especially benefits from sharing the spotlight). Whedon has always loved the lady leads, and he gets more out of Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow than anyone else would have. Critical grumbling about The Avengers is minimal thanks to Whedon’s meticulously crafted screenplay and directorial vision (he heads his own verse for a reason) and the engaging ensemble. Once the paperwork is finalized so the team can go into action for the bang-up finale, The Avengers lives up to all the hype and expectation.

BATTLESHIP (PG-13) For a giant, dumb summer movie that could only be called Bay-esque, Battleship doesn’t sink itself. Earth gets more than it bargained for after scientists send signals into space in an attempt to add some extraterrestrial Facebook friends. The ETs that answer are not friendly, answering with massive Transformer-y ships and personality-less shock troopers. Fortunately, Earth has Taylor Kitsch, Landry from “Friday Night Lights,” Rihanna and Brooklyn Decker to fight the giant peg-bomb launching invaders. FX-laden, wannabe blockbusters based on board games can certainly be worse than this flick directed by Peter Berg (with a soundtrack programmed by a classic rock DJ named Mad Dog). A whole lot of seen-it-before and just enough something new keep this hulking behemoth afloat. Props to the writing Hoebers who fit in a sequence where the characters actually play a life-or-death version of Battleship; I haven’t seen such a great deadly game night since Never Say Never Again. The best/worst salvo I can launch at this flick is that it made me really yearn to play Battleship for the first time in years. Two hundred million dollars bought Hasbro a hell of a commercial.

BERNIE (PG-13) Richard Linklater’s latest film stars Jack Black as Bernie Tiede, a local Texas mortician who strikes up an unlikely friendship with wealthy widow Marjorie Nugent (Shirley MacLaine). When Bernie kills Marjorie, the model citizen (choir member, Sunday School teacher, all around helping hand) goes out of his way to make the townspeople believe she is still alive. Sound like another Bernie you know? I find certain Linklater comedies to require a specific sense of humor; we’ll have to see if Bernie is one of those films. With Matthew McConaughey.

THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL (PG-13) No better Avengers counterprogramming could exist than this British dramedy starring Oscar winner Dame Judi Dench, Bill Nighy, Dev Patel, Oscar winner Maggie Smith and Oscar winner Tom Wilkinson and directed by Shakespeare in Love Oscar nominee John Madden. A bevy of Brits travel to the subcontinent to stay at the posh, newly renovated Marigold Hotel, but the adverts prove misleading. Still, the hotel does begin to charm its English patrons. Based on the novel by Deborah Moggach.

BRAVE (PG) A good, not great, Pixar film, Brave strays into traditional Disney territory after a tremendously magical first act. Headstrong Scottish Princess Merida (wonderfully voiced by the lovely Kelly Macdonald) wants to choose her own destiny. She does not want to marry the first-born of one of the clans allied with her father, the Bear King, Fergus (v. Billy Connolly), but her mother, Queen Elinor (v. Emma Thompson), will hear none of her complaints. In typical stubborn teenage fashion, Merida short-sightedly asks a wood-carving witch (v. Julie Walters) for a spell to change her mother. The aftermath of the spell leads to some heartwarming and charming derring-do, but the sitcom-ish mix-up is a bit stock for what we’ve come to expect from the studio that gave us Wall-E and Up, two animated features that transcended their cartoonish origins. Still, Brave is leaps and bounds more impressive than Cars 2 and would have fit nicely in the Disney Renaissance of the 1990s.

CROOKED ARROWS Lacrosse players from different Native American tribes take on a local private high school lacrosse team, pitting indigenous culture and its traditions against the uncompassionate social majority in this family drama directed by Steve Rash.

DARK SHADOWS (PG-13) Sadly, Johnny Depp and Tim Burton’s reconception of the gothic soap opera merely delivers a pretty-looking, rather dull oddity. (Burton’s output has become increasingly miss-and-hit.) Tossing much of the soap’s suds and upping the camp, the big screen Dark Shadows still involves many of the series’s major players—vampire Barnabas Collins (Depp), Elizabeth Collins Stoddard (Michelle Pfeiffer), Dr. Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter), Angelique (Eva Green), Willie Loomis (Jackie Earle Haley), Victoria Winters (Bella Heathcote) and Carolyn Stoddard (Chloe Grace Moretz). That list of names will mean little to the scores of uninitiated young Burton/Depp fans looking for another Alice in Wonderland, which this horror comedy most certainly is not. Depp produces another entertaining character, a la Jack Sparrow, but as the movie approaches the two hour mark, his Barnabas Collins grows as tedious as the blockbuster he is solely supporting.

THE GREY (R) With his filmography filling up with inconsequential paycheck actioners released in late January (Taken 2 is on the way!), formerly acclaimed actor Liam Neeson has almost completed his transformation into an English Denzel Washington. At least Joe Carnahan (Narc, The A-Team) wrote and directed this action-filled tale of an Alaskan drilling team struggling to defeat a pack of wolves hunting them after their plane crashes in the wilderness. With Dermot Mulroney and James Badge Dale (“The Pacific”).

KATY PERRY: ALL OF ME (PG) These 3D concert movies are all the rage. First Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus released one, then the Jonas Brothers, "Glee" and Justin Bieber got in on the action. And it’s not just the whippersnappers; old fogies Michael Jackson (posthumously) and U2 each released one. Katy Perry’s life on and off stage is chronicled a la the Bieb’s Never Say Never, an astonishingly effective marketing tool. Less documentary and more promotional video (in 3D!), All of Me will hit home with Perry’s fanbase and few others.

MADAGASCAR 3: EUROPE’S MOST WANTED (PG)

By now, franchise fans know what to expect from the adventures of Alex the lion (v. Ben Stiller), Marty the zebra (v. Chris Rock), Melman the giraffe (v. David Schwimmer) and Gloria the hippo (v. Jada Pinkett Smith). These four former denizens of the New York Zoo team up again with those wacky penguins and some nutty Lemurs (voiced by Sacha Baron Cohen, Cedric the Entertainer and Andy Richter) in an aborted attempt to return home. This time, the gang is waylaid in Europe by a circus featuring animals voiced by Bryan Cranston (“Breaking Bad” season five cannot get here fast enough), Jessica Chastain and the reliably funny yet equally annoying Martin Short. But a crazed French animal control officer, Captain Chantel Dubois (v. Frances McDormand), is hot on the animals’ trail. No one should be coming into Madagascar 3 blind. This third entry proffers more cute fun in a long first act chase than either of its predecessors, and that’s before any of the appealing new characters are introduced. Madagascar 3 should keep the kiddies happy until Pixar’s Brave on June 22.

MADEA’S WITNESS PROTECTION (PG-13) Tyler Perry has needlessly overplotted his latest Madea pic. According to the jam-packed logline, an investment banker is relocated to Madea’s house. Just the idea of Eugene Levy interacting with Perry’s Madea is entertaining. Toss Denise Richards, Tom Arnold and Doris Roberts into the mix, and you have the most exotic-sounding Madea movie yet. It might not be good, but the curiosity quotient has been raised. As usual, TP writes, directs and stars as Madea, Joe and Brian.

• MAGIC MIKE (R) Judging from Friday’s raucous matinee crowd at Beechwood, I cannot imagine the catcalls unleashed by a late show audience, lubricated by several cocktails at nearby Rusan’s. Acclaimed filmmaker Steven Soderbergh’s peek beneath the thong that barely covers the underworld of Florida’s male strippers is a thoroughly entertaining and humanistic slice of life flick; imagine a less polyester-clad Saturday Night Fever. Alabama native Channing Tatum stars as Magic Mike, a nice guy with a rocking bod and killer dance moves who longs to make custom furniture. After taking a new dancer, Adam (Alex Pettyfer), under his wing, Mike falls for his sister, Brooke (Cody Horn), who shows Mike what he looks like to the rank-and-file. Despite scripter Reid Carolin relying on the same cookie cutter plot that supported ancient Hollywood musicals, All About Eve and Showgirls, Magic Mike has some new moves thanks to Soderbergh’s electric direction and well-selected beefcake. Tatum’s haters are proven wrong by his extremely charismatic performance, but it’s Matthew McConaughey that delivers the unexpected award-worthy turn as aged stripper-turned-impresario, Dallas. I know the ladies are in; dudes, don’t miss out on Soderbergh’s best-received feature since Ocean’s 11 because of all the potential penises (or penis envy).  

• MOONRISE KINGDOM (PG-13) Wes Anderson provides summer 2012 with its charmer, a twee coming of age tale about Sam and Suzy (wonderful newcomers Jared Gilman and Kara Hayward), two tweens that learn about love after running away from their tiny island home. Any moviegoers not already enchanted by Anderson’s previous whimsies will not be won over by his newest, extremely eccentric romance. Bill Murray, Edward Norton, Bruce Willis, Frances McDormand and Harvey Keitel are among the adults that inhabit Anderson’s isolated, stagy island. Murray is quixotic as ever and Norton is a perfect fit. Willis takes time to adjust to Anderson’s timezone, but the consummate pro rarely gets the credit he deserves (he’s leagues ahead of his former Planet Hollywood cronies). The straight-on tracking shots reinforce the film’s confining staginess (it might make a terrific source for a future high school drama), as does the sometimes unprofessional acting of the film’s many young performers. I don’t recall enjoying a live action Anderson fancy as much since 2001’s The Royal Tenenbaums. 2012’s best movies, a list exclusively made up of Joss Whedon progeny, Cabin in the Woods and The Avengers, has now been expanded by one.

• PEOPLE LIKE US (PG-13) For most of People Like Us, I wondered “People Like who?” The movie’s as hard not to like as its stars, Chris Pine and Elizabeth Banks, who play the separated children of a recently deceased music producer, though neither ever acts like any person I know. Sharply, stylishly yet uncreatively shot, this drama marks the directorial debut of Transformers scribe Alex Kurtzman, who co-wrote the film with constant writing partner Roberto Orci. The duo’s shared credits include Star Trek and Cowboys & Aliens, all genre entries that are miles away from this heartfelt drama about Sam, a guy trying really hard not to be a douchebag, and Frankie, the sister, who’s trying really hard to be a good mom. If Sam had just given Frankie the money their dad left her son, the movie could have ended a lot sooner, and a lot of silly plot machinations (he fakes being a member of AA; she, being really hot, wonders what he REALLY wants from her) could have been avoided. People Like Us is just another not terrible film you’ll probably never hear from again.

THE PIRATES! BAND OF MISFITS (PG) You could do a lot worse than The Pirates! Band of Misfits when choosing animated flicks to see with your kids. Aardman Animations, the British folks that brought you Wallace & Gromit and Chicken Run, hit the high seas with the Pirate Captain (v. Hugh Grant) and his oddball crew. While seeking the coveted Pirate of the Year Award, the Pirate Captain runs into Charles Darwin (v. David Tennant, the tenth, and my personal favorite, Doctor), who wants the scurvy rascal’s feathered mascot, a thought-to-be-extinct dodo. The jokes are funny and often smart, and the stop-motion clay animation refreshingly different. The voice cast could have traded up (Jeremy Piven? No Ian McShane? Mostly, Jeremy Piven?!). Still, The Pirates! is cute, humorous and well-animated. Kiddie flicks come with a lot less booty than this buccaneer.

PROMETHEUS (R) A beyond competent, philosophical science fiction film, director Ridley Scott’s return to the Alien universe he helped create in 1979 is good without ever fulfilling its promise to be great. Prometheus, co-written by “Lost” co-creator Damon Lindelof, is so fueled by mystery that you may want to avoid the Internet and this review until you’ve seen it. Even with series tropes like androids, corporate shenanigans and body horror, Prometheus is not quite the Alien prequel fans may be expecting/hoping for, but the feature is one of the most thought-provoking, recent science fiction films released by a major studio. The origins of human life are, if not explained, forever altered as a group of scientists, including Noomi Rapace (Sweden’s Lisbeth Salander), Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender, encounter a species of extraterrestrials they call the Engineers, but something more deadly also lurks on moon LV-223. Big ideas meet big production values, and the result is an intelligent first two acts of epic science fiction that call to mind 2001 as much as Alien. However, the untidy final act fails to tie events together in a satisfying way for fans of either Prometheus or Alien.

THE QUEEN OF VERSAILLES (PG) A billionaire couple, David and Jackie Siegel, dream to build a mansion based on the French palace at Versailles. But their billions vanish as the real estate market collapses and the worldwide financial crisis strikes. Director Lauren Greenfield won the Directing Award at Sundance, where the film was also nominated for the Grand Jury Prize. Greenfield also won the Jury Prize for Best Director of a Feature Film (Documentary) at the RiverRun International Film Festival.

ROCK OF AGES (PG-13) Warning: Anyone with a keen knowledge of rock and roll from 1977–1987 will be endlessly sidetracked by this popular jukebox musical’s utter disregard for the chronological progression of the period’s rock music. Early '80s Journey hits are supposedly written in 1987; Guns N’ Roses favorites were popularized in the era of KISS’ “Alive II”; songs from 1989 are included as diegetic music. Yet the musicological stupidity matters little when Tom Cruise takes the stage as Stacie Jaxx, an Axl Rose-ian fallen rock god. Cruise inhabits the insular American idol, generously giving him unexpected extra-dimensionality, and the star can belt out the hits to boot. Even with the stage musical’s rough edges and rougher characters (Jaxx in particular) worn down and its lack of nudity (or hard drugs), Rock of Ages could still have earned an R rating for thematic elements alone; one wonders if the MPAA does more than look for nipples and listen for f-bombs. Pay less attention to the trifling story of a small-town girl and city boy and more to the '80s earworms and fun performances from Cruise, Russell Brand, Alec Baldwin, Catherine Zeta-Jones and more for a Broadway treat at a seventh of the price.

SAVAGES (R) Oliver Stone’s back with John Travolta and Uma Thurman in this crime thriller about two pot growers (Kick-Ass’ Aaron Johnson and Taylor Kitsch in his third big 2012 release) fighting the Mexican cartel that kidnapped their girlfriend (Blake Lively). Stone can still assemble a cast; Savages includes John Travolta, Salma Hayek, Emile Hirsch, Benecio del Toro and A Better Life Oscar nominee Demian Bichir. Novelist Don Wilson helped adapt his own work. I’m curious to see if Stone, whose last Oscar worthy feature was 1995’s Nixon, still has the goods.

SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD (R) A pre-apocalyptic, blackly comic romance starring Steve Carell and Keira Knightley does not quite scream summer movie, but the directorial debut of Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist scripter Lorene Scafaria could possibly turn out to be summer 2012’s overlooked gem. While an asteroid careens fatally toward the planet, Dodge (Carell, who continues to show above average instincts when it comes to picking projects), whose wife has recently and suddenly deserted him, and Penny (Knightley), freshly broken up with yet another boyfriend (Adam Brody), escape the riot-filled city on a mission to reunite Dodge with his high school sweetheart. On their road trip, this unlikely duo meets some odd cats played by familiar television pals. This rambling, romantic travelogue is more comfortable quietly musing about the end of the world amid interludes of subtle comedy than one would expect from a summer romcom. Its final destination is near impossible to predict, and getting to that unmarked end is both sadly romantic and redemptively full of life. However, like NBC’s quirky, unfairly underwatched Thursday night offerings, “Community” and “Parks and Rec,” what Seeking a Friend… might really be looking for is a paying audience.

SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN (PG-13) 2012’s second Snow White movie (she’s also a television star on ABC’s “Once Upon a Time”) tweaks the fairy tale with the pale beauty (Kristen Stewart, Twilight) and the huntsman (Chris Hemsworth, Thor), sent by Charlize Theron’s Evil Queen to kill her, instead teaming up to overthrow her majesty. Director Rupert Sanders is an unknown entity; thankfully, the cast includes the familiar faces of Toby Jones, Ian McShane, Ray Winstone, Nick Frost and Bob Hoskins. Written by Drive’s Hossein Amini.

• TED (R) I’m not sure what it says about Ted, the funny feature debut of “Family Guy” creator Seth McFarlane, that I, an admitted “Family Guy” detractor, laughed more than anyone else in the theater. Despite the overflowing gay jokes and some poor setups (the introduction to Giovanni Ribisi’s antagonist was awkwardly random), the fairy tale of 35-year-old John (Mark Wahlberg) and Ted (v. McFarlane), the teddy bear he was given on Christmas Day 1985 that came to life via wish, hits the mark more than it misses so long as the talking teddy is involved. Human leads Wahlberg and the increasingly awesome Mila Kunis are appreciated, as is Patrick “Puddy” Warburton; sadly, Joel McHale is wasted. Any movie in which a central gag revolves around the Queen-scored, cult fave Flash Gordon (star Sam Jones even makes a beefy cameo) is OK in my book, no matter how many tired pot jokes it tokes. Being familiar with, but not appreciative of, McFarlane’s oeuvre, I pleasantly left with more laughs than I expected to receive.

THAT’S MY BOY (R) Is That’s My Boy, Adam Sandler’s latest cinematic atrocity, as bad as the trailer lets on? It’s worse, but in a can’t look away from the accident sort of way that leads a viewer to keep watching until the end, imagining and finally hoping that it doesn’t get any worse. Sandler completely reverts to “SNL”-level character creation as Donny Berger, a guy who ascended to the top of the pop cultural slide after banging (a bit of sexual slang that has never fit better) his hot middle school teacher (Eva Amurri Martino) and getting her pregnant. Now all grown up and flat broke, Donny hopes to hook up to its rising star of a son, Todd (Andy Samberg), and get the money he needs. But Todd wants little to do with his “young” man, what with his impending nuptials to pretty, uptight Jamie (Leighton Meester). Expect the expected, but don’t expect to laugh. Every rude, crude, R-rated joke you can imagine Sandler and crew (Allen Covert, Nick Swardson, etc.) had saved up over the years is included. A gross-out comedy in which no one appears to be trying, That’s My Boy might not be the year’s worst, but it’s close.

THINK LIKE A MAN (PG-13) Anything I wanted to like about Think Like a Man is tainted by the casual homophobia, sexism and racism the movie attempts to pass off as comedy, and that’s a shame for the hilarious Kevin Hart, who is finally, smartly given a showcase role. Based on Steve Harvey’s romantic self-help tome, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, the movie, written by the scripters of Friends with Benefits, sometimes feels like a late night infomercial for Harvey’s patented way to win a man. We have six unbelievably mismatched buddies—Hart’s divorced dude, Romany Malco’s “playa,” Michael Ealy’s “dreamer,” Jerry “Turtle” Ferrara’s noncommittal white dude, Terrence J’s “mama’s boy” and some other white married guy—and the women (Gabrielle Union, Taraji P. Henson, Meagan Good and Regina Hall) who want them to settle down. Begin the chapter scenarios. Woody Allen attempted something like this to funnier results when he adapted Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex; a more relevant and even less successful adaptation would be 2009’s He’s Just Not That Into You. If you really want to take romantic advice from Steve Harvey, filtered through Turtle, it’s your love life.

TO ROME WITH LOVE (R) Woody Allen’s back and still in Europe. (Since 2005, seven of Allen’s last eight films have been set in Europe; the Larry David-starring Whatever Works is the sole exception.) Allen, Alec Baldwin, Roberto Benigni, Penelope Cruz, Judy Davis, Jesse Eisenberg, Greta Gerwig and Ellen Page star as a few of the Americans and Italians that find themselves in romantic adventures and predicaments in the title city. The reviews for the four-time Academy Award winner’s latest have been mixed.

YELLOW SUBMARINE (G) 1968. Ciné continues its Summer Classic Movie Series' Family Classics with the Beatles’ animated adventure, Yellow Submarine. John, Paul, George and Ringo (whose real-life counterparts wrote and performed the songs but did not provide the characters’ voices) agree to go to Pepperland with Old Fred and save it from the Blue Meanies, who hate music. Winner of a Grammy for Best Original Score (no surprise there) and awards from the National Board of Review, National Society of Film Critics and the New York Film Critics Circle.