ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER (R) The historically playful Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter gets most things right until it whiffs on a tremendously silly climax that involves the 16th president personally overseeing a secret mission to save the Union Army at Gettysburg. Unfortunately, Seth Grahame-Smith, the author of the book upon which AL:VH is based, is proving far less resourceful as a screenwriter than as a historical revisionist (see Dark Shadows). A quick perusal of the book’s plot reveals a much more believable retelling of the Lincoln mythology; the movie not so much. Requiring fewer leaps of stylistic logic than director Timur Bekmambetov’s last movie, Wanted, the Russian helmer of Nightwatch/Daywatch still throws in a smattering of ridiculously unrealistic fight choreography. Little-known Benjamin Walker, who resembles a young Liam Neeson, acquits himself adequately as Lincoln. No other performance—all villainous vamps and useless sidekicks—matters. Had Grahame-Smith stuck more closely to his novel, AL:VH might have worked better. The key to historical revisionism is to hew as closely to the truth as possible. Then again, some whimsies—say, a stovepipe-hatted president fighting vampires on a train—might be better off left on the page as they look far too ridiculous in the cinematic light.

• THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (PG-13) Were The Amazing Spider-Man the first Spider-Man movie, critics and fans would hail it as spectacular. Following Sam Raimi’s surprisingly poorly aged films, this fourth film is the unfortunate epitome of unnecessary. Where Christopher Nolan did us an outstanding service reinterpreting the world of the Dark Knight, (500) Days of Summer’s Marc Webb and his trio of scripters rely on lazy, convenient plotting to rehash Spidey’s origins with a few cosmetically mysterious changes. No longer a simple orphan, Peter Parker’s parents abandoned him as a result of papa Parker’s top secret genetic experiments, which produce the (no longer radioactive) spider that turns Pete into a superhero and Dr. Curt Connors (Rhys Ifans) into the film’s villainous Lizard. Ten years ago, mass audiences accepted the idea of a teenaged crime fighter with the powers of an arachnid. Too bad these filmmakers didn’t just jump straight into the web-head’s world as their super-blockbuster excels once it gets the mythology revising out of the way and allows new Spidey Andrew Garfield, who nails the wall-crawler’s smart-alecky, costumed persona, to use those powers to patrol the streets of NYC as your friendly neighborhood web-slinger.

THE AVENGERS (PG-13) The various Avengers—Robert Downey, Jr.’s Iron Man, Chris Evans’ Captain America, Chris Hemsworth’s Thor, another new Hulk (this time Mark Ruffalo gets to unleash the beast) and the rest—have assembled, and together they are a blast. But before they can battle Thor’s mischievous brother, Loki (Tom Hiddleston), who is intent on enslaving the world with his other-dimensional army, Earth’s mightiest heroes have to sort out a few things among themselves. Joss Whedon and Zak Penn capture the bickering essence of a super-group. Every single one of these heroes benefits from Whedon’s trademark snappy banter and his way with ensembles. These characters thrive by not having to carry the movie on their own (the Hulk especially benefits from sharing the spotlight). Whedon has always loved the lady leads, and he gets more out of Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow than anyone else would have. Critical grumbling about The Avengers is minimal thanks to Whedon’s meticulously crafted screenplay and directorial vision (he heads his own verse for a reason) and the engaging ensemble. Once the paperwork is finalized so the team can go into action for the bang-up finale, The Avengers lives up to all the hype and expectation.

BATTLESHIP (PG-13) For a giant, dumb summer movie that could only be called Bay-esque, Battleship doesn’t sink itself. Earth gets more than it bargained for after scientists send signals into space in an attempt to add some extraterrestrial Facebook friends. The ETs that answer are not friendly, answering with massive Transformer-y ships and personality-less shock troopers. Fortunately, Earth has Taylor Kitsch, Landry from “Friday Night Lights,” Rihanna and Brooklyn Decker to fight the giant peg-bomb launching invaders. FX-laden, wannabe blockbusters based on board games can certainly be worse than this flick directed by Peter Berg (with a soundtrack programmed by a classic rock DJ named Mad Dog). A whole lot of seen-it-before and just enough something new keep this hulking behemoth afloat. Props to the writing Hoebers who fit in a sequence where the characters actually play a life-or-death version of Battleship; I haven’t seen such a great deadly game night since Never Say Never Again. The best/worst salvo I can launch at this flick is that it made me really yearn to play Battleship for the first time in years. Two hundred million dollars bought Hasbro a hell of a commercial.

THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL (PG-13) No better Avengers counterprogramming could exist than this British dramedy starring Oscar winner Dame Judi Dench, Bill Nighy, Dev Patel, Oscar winner Maggie Smith and Oscar winner Tom Wilkinson and directed by Shakespeare in Love Oscar nominee John Madden. A bevy of Brits travel to the subcontinent to stay at the posh, newly renovated Marigold Hotel, but the adverts prove misleading. Still, the hotel does begin to charm its English patrons. Based on the novel by Deborah Moggach.

BRAVE (PG) A good, not great, Pixar film, Brave strays into traditional Disney territory after a tremendously magical first act. Headstrong Scottish Princess Merida (wonderfully voiced by the lovely Kelly Macdonald) wants to choose her own destiny. She does not want to marry the first-born of one of the clans allied with her father, the Bear King, Fergus (v. Billy Connolly), but her mother, Queen Elinor (v. Emma Thompson), will hear none of her complaints. In typical stubborn teenage fashion, Merida short-sightedly asks a wood-carving witch (v. Julie Walters) for a spell to change her mother. The aftermath of the spell leads to some heartwarming and charming derring-do, but the sitcom-ish mix-up is a bit stock for what we’ve come to expect from the studio that gave us Wall-E and Up, two animated features that transcended their cartoonish origins. Still, Brave is leaps and bounds more impressive than Cars 2 and would have fit nicely in the Disney Renaissance of the 1990s.

CHIMPANZEE (G) Disneynature releases their most stunning Earth Day documentary yet. Too bad they did not include an alternate narration to substitute for Tim Allen’s; the sitcom giant is no Morgan Freeman. Nevertheless, the Bambi-like story of chimpanzee Oscar unfolds with some of the most unbelievable footage ever witnessed in a nature doc.

CHRONICLE (PG-13) Three high schoolers (including Michael B. Jordan from “Friday Night Lights” and “Parenthood”) stumble upon a mysterious cave and wind up with telekinetic powers. But, as Spider-Man teaches, “with great power comes great responsibility,” and not everyone can handle it. As the teenagers’ powers grow, one becomes increasingly dangerous. What seems like it’s heading toward Carrie horror territory winds up being more of a supervillain origin story, and it’s brilliant. Chronicle watches like a fantastic comic book miniseries (think something from the Millarverse), telling a fresh origin story via intelligent filmmaking tricks from first time feature director Josh Trank and writer Max Landis. Chronicle should find easy entry into the cult classic pantheon.

DARK SHADOWS (PG-13) Sadly, Johnny Depp and Tim Burton’s reconception of the gothic soap opera merely delivers a pretty-looking, rather dull oddity. (Burton’s output has become increasingly miss-and-hit.) Tossing much of the soap’s suds and upping the camp, the big screen Dark Shadows still involves many of the series’s major players—vampire Barnabas Collins (Depp), Elizabeth Collins Stoddard (Michelle Pfeiffer), Dr. Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter), Angelique (Eva Green), Willie Loomis (Jackie Earle Haley), Victoria Winters (Bella Heathcote) and Carolyn Stoddard (Chloe Grace Moretz). That list of names will mean little to the scores of uninitiated young Burton/Depp fans looking for another Alice in Wonderland, which this horror comedy most certainly is not. Depp produces another entertaining character, a la Jack Sparrow, but as the movie approaches the two hour mark, his Barnabas Collins grows as tedious as the blockbuster he is solely supporting.

THE DICTATOR (R) Sacha Baron Cohen and director Larry Charles may have left their guerrilla mockumentary tactics behind, but their offensive strategy still elicits massive bombs of laughter, even in this much more conventionally structured comedy. Cohen’s Admiral General Aladeen, the dictator of the fictional North African nation of Wadiya, is stripped of his beard and power on a trip to speak to the United Nations. With the help of a crunchy feminist (adequately supplied by an atypical Anna Faris) and a should-be-dead nuclear scientist (“The League” MVP Jason Mantzoukas aka El Cuñado), Aladeen must infiltrate a peace summit before his beloved oppressive regime becomes a democracy. The brilliant gags far outclass the low-brow misses; the soundtrack—filled by “Wadiyan”-language versions of “Everybody Hurts,” “9 to 5” and “The Next Episode”—is the film’s best running joke. Cohen continues to stake his claim to the chameleonic comic crown left by Peter Sellers, but what should he do with it once he gets it? Outside of the scathing climactic critique of American democracy (all true, of course), The Dictator lacks the witheringly pointed satire of Borat and Bruno. It surely is hilarious though. 

ICE AGE: CONTINENTAL DRIFT (PG) In the fourth entry in the massive animated franchise, Manny (v. Ray Romano), Diego (v. Denis Leary) and Sid (v. John Leguizamo) are set adrift on an iceberg when their continent breaks apart. While at sea, the three pals meet new creatures and battle pirates. Horton Hears a Who director Steve Martino and Academy Award nominee Mike Thurmeier (Scrat short, “No Time for Nuts”) take over for Ice Age 1, 2, and 3’s Carlos Saldanha, who now resides in Rio.

KATY PERRY: ALL OF ME (PG) These 3D concert movies are all the rage. First Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus released one, then the Jonas Brothers, "Glee" and Justin Bieber got in on the action. And it’s not just the whippersnappers; old fogies Michael Jackson (posthumously) and U2 each released one. Katy Perry’s life on and off stage is chronicled a la the Bieb’s Never Say Never, an astonishingly effective marketing tool. Less documentary and more promotional video (in 3D!), All of Me will hit home with Perry’s fanbase and few others.

MADAGASCAR 3: EUROPE’S MOST WANTED (PG)

By now, franchise fans know what to expect from the adventures of Alex the lion (v. Ben Stiller), Marty the zebra (v. Chris Rock), Melman the giraffe (v. David Schwimmer) and Gloria the hippo (v. Jada Pinkett Smith). These four former denizens of the New York Zoo team up again with those wacky penguins and some nutty Lemurs (voiced by Sacha Baron Cohen, Cedric the Entertainer and Andy Richter) in an aborted attempt to return home. This time, the gang is waylaid in Europe by a circus featuring animals voiced by Bryan Cranston (“Breaking Bad” season five cannot get here fast enough), Jessica Chastain and the reliably funny yet equally annoying Martin Short. But a crazed French animal control officer, Captain Chantel Dubois (v. Frances McDormand), is hot on the animals’ trail. No one should be coming into Madagascar 3 blind. This third entry proffers more cute fun in a long first act chase than either of its predecessors, and that’s before any of the appealing new characters are introduced. Madagascar 3 should keep the kiddies happy until Pixar’s Brave on June 22.

MADEA’S WITNESS PROTECTION (PG-13) Tyler Perry has needlessly overplotted his latest Madea pic. According to the jam-packed logline, an investment banker is relocated to Madea’s house. Just the idea of Eugene Levy interacting with Perry’s Madea is entertaining. Toss Denise Richards, Tom Arnold and Doris Roberts into the mix, and you have the most exotic-sounding Madea movie yet. It might not be good, but the curiosity quotient has been raised. As usual, TP writes, directs and stars as Madea, Joe and Brian.

MAGIC MIKE (R) Judging from Friday’s raucous matinee crowd at Beechwood, I cannot imagine the catcalls unleashed by a late show audience, lubricated by several cocktails at nearby Rusan’s. Acclaimed filmmaker Steven Soderbergh’s peek beneath the thong that barely covers the underworld of Florida’s male strippers is a thoroughly entertaining and humanistic slice of life flick; imagine a less polyester-clad Saturday Night Fever. Alabama native Channing Tatum stars as Magic Mike, a nice guy with a rocking bod and killer dance moves who longs to make custom furniture. After taking a new dancer, Adam (Alex Pettyfer), under his wing, Mike falls for his sister, Brooke (Cody Horn), who shows Mike what he looks like to the rank-and-file. Despite scripter Reid Carolin relying on the same cookie cutter plot that supported ancient Hollywood musicals, All About Eve and Showgirls, Magic Mike has some new moves thanks to Soderbergh’s electric direction and well-selected beefcake. Tatum’s haters are proven wrong by his extremely charismatic performance, but it’s Matthew McConaughey that delivers the unexpected award-worthy turn as aged stripper-turned-impresario, Dallas. I know the ladies are in; dudes, don’t miss out on Soderbergh’s best-received feature since Ocean’s 11 because of all the potential penises (or penis envy).  

MOONRISE KINGDOM (PG-13) Wes Anderson provides summer 2012 with its charmer, a twee coming of age tale about Sam and Suzy (wonderful newcomers Jared Gilman and Kara Hayward), two tweens that learn about love after running away from their tiny island home. Any moviegoers not already enchanted by Anderson’s previous whimsies will not be won over by his newest, extremely eccentric romance. Bill Murray, Edward Norton, Bruce Willis, Frances McDormand and Harvey Keitel are among the adults that inhabit Anderson’s isolated, stagy island. Murray is quixotic as ever and Norton is a perfect fit. Willis takes time to adjust to Anderson’s timezone, but the consummate pro rarely gets the credit he deserves (he’s leagues ahead of his former Planet Hollywood cronies). The straight-on tracking shots reinforce the film’s confining staginess (it might make a terrific source for a future high school drama), as does the sometimes unprofessional acting of the film’s many young performers. I don’t recall enjoying a live action Anderson fancy as much since 2001’s The Royal Tenenbaums. 2012’s best movies, a list exclusively made up of Joss Whedon progeny, Cabin in the Woods and The Avengers, has now been expanded by one.

PEOPLE LIKE US (PG-13) For most of People Like Us, I wondered “People Like who?” The movie’s as hard not to like as its stars, Chris Pine and Elizabeth Banks, who play the separated children of a recently deceased music producer, though neither ever acts like any person I know. Sharply, stylishly yet uncreatively shot, this drama marks the directorial debut of Transformers scribe Alex Kurtzman, who co-wrote the film with constant writing partner Roberto Orci. The duo’s shared credits include Star Trek and Cowboys & Aliens, all genre entries that are miles away from this heartfelt drama about Sam, a guy trying really hard not to be a douchebag, and Frankie, the sister, who’s trying really hard to be a good mom. If Sam had just given Frankie the money their dad left her son, the movie could have ended a lot sooner, and a lot of silly plot machinations (he fakes being a member of AA; she, being really hot, wonders what he REALLY wants from her) could have been avoided. People Like Us is just another not terrible film you’ll probably never hear from again.

THE PIRATES! BAND OF MISFITS (PG) You could do a lot worse than The Pirates! Band of Misfits when choosing animated flicks to see with your kids. Aardman Animations, the British folks that brought you Wallace & Gromit and Chicken Run, hit the high seas with the Pirate Captain (v. Hugh Grant) and his oddball crew. While seeking the coveted Pirate of the Year Award, the Pirate Captain runs into Charles Darwin (v. David Tennant, the tenth, and my personal favorite, Doctor), who wants the scurvy rascal’s feathered mascot, a thought-to-be-extinct dodo. The jokes are funny and often smart, and the stop-motion clay animation refreshingly different. The voice cast could have traded up (Jeremy Piven? No Ian McShane? Mostly, Jeremy Piven?!). Still, The Pirates! is cute, humorous and well-animated. Kiddie flicks come with a lot less booty than this buccaneer.

ROMAN HOLIDAY (NR) 1953. Ciné kicks off his Summer 2012’s Classic Comedy Series with William Wyler’s romantic comedy starring Audrey Hepburn as a bored princess and Gregory Peck as the American newsman with whom she falls in love on the streets of Rome. Hepburn won her first Academy Award; the Best Picture nominee also won Oscars for Best Costume Design (Edith Head, naturally) and Best Writing (once blacklisted Dalton Trumbo). Best enjoyed as a double bill with Woody Allen’s new Eternal City-set feature, To Rome With Love.

SAVAGES (R) Oliver Stone’s back with John Travolta and Uma Thurman in this crime thriller about two pot growers (Kick-Ass’ Aaron Johnson and Taylor Kitsch in his third big 2012 release) fighting the Mexican cartel that kidnapped their girlfriend (Blake Lively). Stone can still assemble a cast; Savages includes John Travolta, Salma Hayek, Emile Hirsch, Benecio del Toro and A Better Life Oscar nominee Demian Bichir. Novelist Don Wilson helped adapt his own work. I’m curious to see if Stone, whose last Oscar worthy feature was 1995’s Nixon, still has the goods.

TED (R) I’m not sure what it says about Ted, the funny feature debut of “Family Guy” creator Seth McFarlane, that I, an admitted “Family Guy” detractor, laughed more than anyone else in the theater. Despite the overflowing gay jokes and some poor setups (the introduction to Giovanni Ribisi’s antagonist was awkwardly random), the fairy tale of 35-year-old John (Mark Wahlberg) and Ted (v. McFarlane), the teddy bear he was given on Christmas Day 1985 that came to life via wish, hits the mark more than it misses so long as the talking teddy is involved. Human leads Wahlberg and the increasingly awesome Mila Kunis are appreciated, as is Patrick “Puddy” Warburton; sadly, Joel McHale is wasted. Any movie in which a central gag revolves around the Queen-scored, cult fave Flash Gordon (star Sam Jones even makes a beefy cameo) is OK in my book, no matter how many tired pot jokes it tokes. Being familiar with, but not appreciative of, McFarlane’s oeuvre, I pleasantly left with more laughs than I expected to receive.

THINK LIKE A MAN (PG-13) Anything I wanted to like about Think Like a Man is tainted by the casual homophobia, sexism and racism the movie attempts to pass off as comedy, and that’s a shame for the hilarious Kevin Hart, who is finally, smartly given a showcase role. Based on Steve Harvey’s romantic self-help tome, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, the movie, written by the scripters of Friends with Benefits, sometimes feels like a late night infomercial for Harvey’s patented way to win a man. We have six unbelievably mismatched buddies—Hart’s divorced dude, Romany Malco’s “playa,” Michael Ealy’s “dreamer,” Jerry “Turtle” Ferrara’s noncommittal white dude, Terrence J’s “mama’s boy” and some other white married guy—and the women (Gabrielle Union, Taraji P. Henson, Meagan Good and Regina Hall) who want them to settle down. Begin the chapter scenarios. Woody Allen attempted something like this to funnier results when he adapted Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex; a more relevant and even less successful adaptation would be 2009’s He’s Just Not That Into You. If you really want to take romantic advice from Steve Harvey, filtered through Turtle, it’s your love life.

TO ROME WITH LOVE (R) Woody Allen’s back and still in Europe. (Since 2005, seven of Allen’s last eight films have been set in Europe; the Larry David-starring Whatever Works is the sole exception.) Allen, Alec Baldwin, Roberto Benigni, Penelope Cruz, Judy Davis, Jesse Eisenberg, Greta Gerwig and Ellen Page star as a few of the Americans and Italians that find themselves in romantic adventures and predicaments in the title city. The reviews for the four-time Academy Award winner’s latest have been mixed.

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING (PG-13) Expecting a cinematic extinction level event on par with Garry Marshall’s star-whoring Valentine’s Day/New Year’s Eve, What to Expect When You’re Expecting pleasantly met my vastly lowered expectations. What to Expect would have been a decent Apatow/Bridesmaids knockoff had it slimmed down to one main plot—an expectant couple played by Elizabeth Banks and Mr. Melissa McCarthy (Ben Falcone) compete with his race car legend father (Dennis Quaid) and his pregnant trophy wife (Brooklyn Decker)—and shed the extra plot poundage involving Jennifer Lopez adopting an Ethiopian baby, Anna Kendrick and Chace Crawford’s uh-oh moment and Cameron Diaz’s star pregnancy (with that wet blanket from “Glee,” Matthew Morrison). The almost interstitial scenes with the daddy club of Chris Rock, Rob Heubel, Thomas Lennon and Amir Talai amuse, as does Rebel Wilson as Banks’s mostly clueless employee. Like unfortunate clockwork, every time the movie started to get things comically right, the scene would shift to JLo’s woes or the young couple’s romantic predicament. Still, I expected little, and the romantic dramedy delivered a bundle of tiny, intermittent joy that, like some babies, cried more than it laughed.

WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (G)

1. With Gene Wilder’s creepily cool Wonka seemingly on the verge of violence, those corpulent Oompa Loompas, the horrifying fates of Veruca Salt and Augustus Gloop, and the chill-inducing scenes of Charlie’s four grandparents sharing the same bed (somebody get me a sweater), Mel Stuart’s 1971 picture is innocuously frightening, and the trek through Wonka’s wonderland can provide bullet train-quick transport back to one’s childhood. The Firday screening will be followed by family activities provided by Treehouse Kid & Craft.

YELLOW SUBMARINE (G) 1968. Ciné continues its Summer Classic Movie Series' Family Classics with the Beatles’ animated adventure, Yellow Submarine. John, Paul, George and Ringo (whose real-life counterparts wrote and performed the songs but did not provide the characters’ voices) agree to go to Pepperland with Old Fred and save it from the Blue Meanies, who hate music. Winner of a Grammy for Best Original Score (no surprise there) and awards from the National Board of Review, National Society of Film Critics and the New York Film Critics Circle.