It's the Fourth of July, and you know what that means: flags, fireworks and food. And booze. And probably more food. Don't get me wrong—Athens is damn patriotic. But let's be honest. In our debauched little town, our nation's 236th birthday will be just like the ones that came before: an excuse to run asunder from our responsibilities, to imbibe beyond belief, to lean back and let loose.

With that firmly in mind, Flagpole reached out to a few members of our local scene to ask how they would plan their ideal Fourth of July barbecues. Their responses provide not only new insight into the melted minds that keep us grooving, but also a party map for all you straight-laced so-and-sos out there who have been itching for an excuse to get real weird.

So, think of this as a guidebook for your Fourth—or not.

Actually, don't think about it at all. Start up the grill. Relish the heat. Catch up with friends. This day was tailor-made for sittin' on your buns with a wiener in your mouth, a cold one in your hand—and early-'90s Otis Nixon by your side.

We asked:

What music/band/song(s) do you want to hear?
What food do you want to eat?
What beverage do you want to consume?
Who do you want to invite?
What entertainment will you provide?
How awesome is it gonna be?

They answered:

Manray

Manray
Listen: Since they didn't make their annual AthFest appearance this year, we want to have 'Powers headline our barbecue. With Das Racist. And Flagpole's own McCommunists, to keep it subversive.
Eat: Beer-battered bratwursts, pulled-pork pancakes, fried fish filets. And salad.
Drink: Whiskey.
Guests: Little people. Atheists. Andrew Prater.
Fun: Pinball and dominoes, with a splash of Nintendo and lawn darts. Maybe some cock-fighting for the adults—in the basement, after the sun goes down.
How awesome? Pretty damn awesome.

Caleb Synan (local comedian)
Listen: Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band. With a holographic Clarence Clemons on saxophone.
Eat: Grilled cheese.
Drink: Yoo-Hoo.
Guests: Matt Damon, Woody Allen, Ludacris and Ernest Hemingway.
Fun: Mud wrestling. (I'd be the referee.)
How awesome? It's gonna be like the first season of "Dawson's Creek."

Max Wang (The Rodney Kings)
Listen: "Can't Catch a Break" by Quiet Hooves, The Modern Lovers, USA.
Eat: All the big meats—and Wang dogs.
Drink: Beer.
Guests: Girls and "women."
Fun: Rock and roll. And jokes.
How awesome? Pretty goddamn awesome.

Matt Hudgins (Matt Hudgins and His Shit-Hot Country Band)
Listen: "Peaches," by The Presidents of the United States of America. On repeat.
Eat: We would wrap some actual peaches in bacon and grill them.
Drink: Peachietinis and peacharitas.
Guests: [Former Atlanta Braves outfielder] Otis Nixon from the early '90s would have swung by the mid-'90s in his time machine to pick up Chipper Jones and Whatizit.
Fun: We would all eat the wings Chipper brought, and play pin the dawg-tail on the peach-dawg until "True Blood" came on. After it was over, we'd all talk about our favorite parts of the episode and paint our toenails.
How awesome? The neatest, awesomest summertime unicorn party EVER.

Javier Morales (Grass Giraffes, The Dream Scene)
Listen: Charles Ives.
Eat: Cool Ranch Doritos.
Drink: Cherry Coke Zero.
Guests: Chance the Gardener, Jar Jar Binks.
Fun: "Columbo" DVDs.
How awesome? Cautiously awesome.

Tim Schreiber (Timmy Tumble)
Listen: "Bar-B-Q," by Wendy Rene, because she sounds hungry for some serious, messy barbecue. "Waddlin' Around" and "Shake Real Low" by King Khan & BBQ Show, because you can dance real good to those tunes and the ladies will be gettin' down... "Greasy Chicken" by Andre Williams, because it makes you feel greasy in every way. "I Got It" by Little Richard, because you can tell from listening to the song that he's a barbecue expert. And "High Blood Pressure" by Huey "Piano" Smith and The Clowns, because too many barbecues could easily bring that pressure right on up.
Eat: Wings, burgers, corn on the cob, tacos and shish kabobs: hells yeah. Maybe some blackened fish. And Italian sausages, of course. Really, this happens all the time on my street.
Drink: Beers, preferably: Dos Equis lager, Bell's Oberon and Schlitz for the hangers-on. But if it's a real hot day, then you need gin and tonic. Or, just take all of the above and put it in a big beer bong that everyone can swig off of.
Guests: I would invite my close friends, and then they would invite their close friends, and then they would invite their close friends. That's how a rock and roll dance party happens.
Fun: Bonfires are entertainment enough. Some rascal is bound to light off a firecracker, though, I'm sure.
How awesome? Gonna suck.