Warning: Do not take this column seriously. Nothing mentioned here has the slightest chance of happening, so either don’t read farther, or take it with a grain of sea salt. Also, don’t get me wrong. I think the last half against Missouri was just about the most satisfying college football experience I’ve had since Knowshon Moreno scooted off to the pros. So, yes, I am a big fan of Georgia football, but, look: I’ve got a column to write, and it’s already past due, so indulge me.

Yes, you saw it coming: the University of Georgia would be a much better college without SEC football as it is presently organized on a big-time, semi-professional basis. Not that it will ever happen, but it is a slam dunk, right? Get rid of football, and you get rid of a large contingent of students who are here for the fun and games, making room for more students who are serious about knowledge. (I know, it also gets rid of the big spenders who prop up our hotels, bars and restaurants and thereby Flagpole—more on that shortly.)

As long as we’re cleaning house of the good-time crowd, we can ban sororities and fraternities, n’est ce pas? They’d probably be decimated, anyway, if we did away with football; might as well make it official. Greeks represent the same angle on college life as football: pleasure before learning. (I know every sorority and fraternity has a scholarship committee; I was on one.) People could still have social clubs, even secret, underground societies—more fun that way. And, for that matter, if a group of students wanted to get together a football team to play like-minded students from Emory or the University of Chicago or Johns Hopkins, we’d clean their clocks. Go Dogs!

The point is, of course, that without football as a gigantic distraction and magnet for non-serious students, the University of Georgia has the potential for playing at the same level as those other non-football schools. And, God knows there are plenty of students who would be glad to come to Georgia to take the places of the football crowd. Better students would invite a better faculty; a state university without football? A plum appointment. Better faculty and better students equal a better university. More scholarship; more conferences attracting scholars and students from all over the country: a constant influx of people attracted by the intellectual ferment on campus—year-round, not just seven weekends in the fall. Probably enough to offset the loss of football fans and provide a steadier income for all of us. Closing all the kitchens at the Greek houses wouldn’t hurt our restaurants, either.

Yeah, so what’s the point of this fantasy-football column? Just that education is the point of college, so why muck it up with all this stuff that interferes with education? Because it builds school spirit and support? If you can’t get fired up over history, go to South Carolina. Support? That money goes straight to the athletic association, a quasi-public corporation that has nothing to do with the University of Georgia other than cut-rate stadium use. Speaking of the stadium: mighty tempting little tract there, right in the middle of a rapidly expanding university. Just sayin.’

So what’s the point? We’ve got students all over the state desperate to get into the University of Georgia, the “flagship” institution, that is, let’s face it, even as a football factory a better school by far than ABAC. If the Greek-football crowd left, look how much room that would open up for kids to come here primarily for an education, which is undeniably the main purpose of an educational institution. Sure, socialization, making contacts, meeting future spouses and having fun are all important, and they will continue even without football.

In the modern economy, college football is obsolete, a holdover from the Roaring Twenties, raccoon coats and hip flasks. Education is serious business, and money is scarce. We simply cannot afford to waste so much substance on a culture that glorifies hired gladiators who have nothing to do with education and little connection to the university. With state education funds drying up every year, we are crazy to continue preserving the myth that football brings in money. Get that out of the way, and let’s pour all our energy into building a first-class school for our citizens. Shoot, why not try to be #1 where it counts?