Heyrocco

Chief Scout, Heyrocco and Concord America are reporting for Flagpole from the road.

Dale here again, and what a couple of days it’s been since I last posted. The boys all had the idea that we wanted to spend the Sunday off in Asheville. Naturally, they spent the whole day screwing off in Bowling Green, riding around on scooters and chasing kids around like ducks, so we didnt even get to Asheville until it was way too late—my whole medication schedule is already way outta wack. Also, a lot of my medication is missing. And these guys have been asleep since we left Kentucky.

We pulled into town around midnight, and I was zonked. We stayed with this guy—his name was Petey, or his band was Petey. Either way, we stayed at Petey’s house; they were very hospitable. The people who lived there were trying to go to sleep when we got there, so the boys thought that means, “please go to the store and buy beer and keep Dale and these total strangers up all night.” So, that’s what happened.

The next morning we went to breakfast together and had to walk in and out of about a dozen places, because these boys have Pizza Hut taste on a Totino’s budget, ya know what I mean? They also wanted to go shopping at a Goodwill afterwards, which I will never understand. Nobody shops at Goodwill because they want to—they shop there because they lost their thriving hot dog business and their ex-wife takes all the money. We finished shopping at the shit store and we hit the road for Greenville, South Carolina, where we make up for our day off by having two shows in one day. Boy howdy!

First show of the day is at a record store called Horizon Records. We get there early and all they want to do is make dumbass videos of them jumping over curbs on a scooter. They also keep hiding bottles of Smirnoff Ice™ in each other's luggage and then they have to drink the whole thing in one sitting on their knees. I don’t know why this has such a negative stigma, because I love that stuff. The record store was pretty cool. They had all the hits there: AC/DC’s Greatest Hits. Awesome!

These boys have Pizza Hut taste on a Totino’s budget, ya know what I mean?

The three bands all played short sets in the store. Some lady with big bazongas wanted to interview Heyrocco for the TV camera. Then we went to the next show of the evening, which was at the Radio Room down the street. This was my kinda place! It reminds me of a lotta the bars I like back home: wood paneling, ceiling tiles, crap bands, cheap drinks—perfect! 

Concord America closed out the show, or so I thought—I had turned around to go pay my tab and this other band starts setting up. All of a sudden, there were six guys on stage with no shirts on. I could smell the whiskey on them from across the room. I thought, “Well, this is bound to be pretty good,” so I stuck around; those other guys were outside breaking bottles and riding the scooter around.

And, man, let me tell you, this band was incredible. They were called Leather Panther. I had never seen anything like it in my life! Such showmanship! And they sounded like KISS! It was awesome! I was bouncing up and down, spilling my Taaka and soda all over the place. I felt like I was 16 again! They only played for 12 minutes, and a lot of the crowd had left. It was really, REALLY loud. It was almost unbearable. If I wasn’t so mesmerized by the band jumping off their amps and screaming at each other, I probably woulda left too. They were WAY better than the other bands. These guys had balls, they were risky, and the lyrical content was undeniably good. I tried to talk to them afterwards, but they just spit on the ground and rode away on a wave of cocaine. I love this band!

We stayed at their friend Andrew’s house, and this guy must have thought we were a bunch of jerks. First of all, I realized that none of these kids can afford any sort of hotel room, so I’m doomed to sleep in the van or on the floor in a stranger’s house every day. Great! Within 10 minutes of us being there, the tour manager—the guy in charge—smashed a bottle of whiskey in the street and the toilet was already overflowing and destroyed. This is how we repay our hosts, another night staying up until 4 in the morning and destroying someone’s property. I’m gonna end up in jail by the end of this week.